


How to Not Die in the Desert

by farrah_yondale



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Gen, Letter form, The Gerudo - Freeform, vaguely letter form i couldn't be assed to do it properly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farrah_yondale/pseuds/farrah_yondale
Summary: To Her Esteemed Majesty, Queen Zelda. From, a concerned citizen of your most graceful kingdom.





	How to Not Die in the Desert

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics? In one day? Shocking, I know. I woke up this morning with a bitter taste in my mouth and decided to transfer that feeling into letter form. As my dear friend said, "If you even THINK about publishing 2 fics in one day, the same thought-controlling super hivemind that polices weird kinks INSTANTLY wipes your computer's hard drive AND slaps your wrist." I love all of you so much that I'm willing to take that bullet for you.

To Her Esteemed Majesty, Queen Zelda,

It has recently come to my attention that a number of your citizens from Castle Town have been found expired in the desert. This will come as no surprise to you, but the numbers of such bodies found have only been increasing with each passing year, and this is no mistake of chance. I would like to address this concern.

While Hylians are certainly not our sistren of the desert, they are still our countryfolk, and we have been delving into the cause of this alarming rise in death. What we have found, in all expired bodies, is that the majority of folk are not well-equipped for the desert, and, as such, die due to causes such as exposure or dehydration. As Your Majesty well knows, we Gerudo have lived long, healthy lives in our beautiful desert with the exception of one or two of such cases (which usually happen to be far more complicated than simple misinformation).

In all cases of death, we have found the Hylian folk to be wearing the highest of Hylian fashion or what they perceive to be high Gerudo fashion. While the choices of clothing are certainly creative, they do little in the way of protection against the desert heat, and it is at this time that I would like to remind Her Majesty that we have a perfectly stocked checkpoint at the desert entrance that would be more than happy to drape Her Majesty’s subjects in the most comfortable of clothing.

At this time, I would also advise Her Majesty to educate the public when it comes to surviving the desert. While we certainly go out of our way to ensure that misinformation is corrected, we believe the number of deaths could be substantially reduced if this information is corrected earlier on in their journeys to Gerudo Desert.

Because I believe Her Majesty is also concerned with many other matters of consequence to her people, I shall save Her Majesty the time of drafting important points for surviving in the desert. Enclosed here is my advice to Castle Town dwellers.

_Fellow Hyruleans Planning to Travel to Gerudo Desert_

_How to Not Die in the Desert_

_It would do you good to follow this advice, lest you’d rather be the next overcooked Hylian steak splayed out over the desert floor_

The first point comes to the proper clothing for the desert. Contrary to popular belief, removing all of one’s clothing is not a good idea and is the best way to die as quickly as possible. The summer heat in Castle Town is nowhere near as unforgiving as that of the desert. That Gerudo outfit many of you parade around as high Gerudo fashion (it is not), while tasteless and a crime against fashion, may be suitable for the heat you are used to. But it will kill you in the desert. If you are concerned with beauty, I would advise you against it, because no one is beautiful regardless of their clothing once they are a boiling cachectic corpse in the desert.

I am aware not all of you may be comfortable with the articles of clothing at our Gerudo Canyon Checkpoint, or perhaps you have little in the way of money. (Perhaps you only brought enough money to start your business in one of our cities and do not have any extra rupees to spare for clothing. At this point, I would also like to remind the public that water is always free at the Gerudo Canyon Checkpoint) In that case, I would like to advise you on what to wear, in case you need to throw something together from home in order to survive.

Take loose cotton or linen (linen is always superior) and sew a tunic from it. Make sure the color is light, the sleeves are long and make one that is larger than your usual fitted measurements. The idea is to cover all of your body to prevent the sun from burning your skin but keep the fabric loose, so that a breeze may pass and cool your skin. The idea for the pants is similar. Those bell-bottom pants I have seen some of you wear would be ideal were they not made of silk. If you are averse to pants, you may sew a long skirt in a similar fashion.

Make sure not to wear too many clothes underneath. A simple brassiere (if you should need it) and cotton underpants should suffice. The head should also be covered with a cloth, so that the neck and face are protected from the sun. Any of your strange hats over a loose piece of fabric should suffice.

Shoes are a matter of contention between our sistren. While we Gerudo typically wear strapped sandals, it may not be advisable for those who are new to a desert environment. Scorpions and hot sand, while not always deadly, are a nuisance and will only make your journey more difficult. Closed shoes, meant for walking, are perfectly fine. Please do not wear high heels in the desert unless you wish to die a painful and miserable death.

Make sure you are properly equipped with water. I cannot stress how important this point is.

Please do not consume any of the hydromelons along your journey. While they do contain a lot of water, many who are not used to the desert flora are ridden with diarrhea after consuming them, which only worsens dehydration in the long-run.

Begin your journey across the desert landscape either at dawn or in the evening. Do not travel from the hours of midday to midafternoon. Night would be the best time to travel were it not for bandits, moblins and wolfos running around. I recommend dawn being the best time, because if your journey should extend longer than expected, your only enemy will be the sun and not the many claws and weapons of troublemakers.

If you have any questions, there are many Gerudo at the Canyon Checkpoint who would be more than happy to assist you. Please follow these guidelines unless you wish to die. Please do not wear that Gerudo Outfit, because it will kill you faster than anything Hylian fashion can muster and it is hideous to the eyes.

This is my proposed pamphlet to increase awareness among Her Majesty’s people. If Her Majesty sees anything that needs adjustment, then by all means, Her Majesty is welcome to it. My only request is that Her Majesty does not change any of the content of the advice given, for this is what I and many of my sistren have deemed the best advice for the Hylians of Castle Town.

Yours Truly,

Dija, Head Physician of Kara Kara Market

**Author's Note:**

> It annoys me to no end how woefully ignorant people are at how to survive in the desert, so this is also a letter to the fandom. Every time someone tries to explain to me, "weh, the gerudo outfit isn't racist, weh, that's PRACTICAL for the desert," a puppy dies and another unsuspecting white person gets sunburn.


End file.
